What Life In Color Looks Like

At treatment, we are given “Agendas” which is really just a fancy word for therapy homework. This particular one I’m choosing to share is “What Does Recovery Look Like?” Real talk- I hate writing about this topic, because it brings up a lot of fear and hopelessness for me. I fear that true, lasting recovery will always evade me. I feel hopelessness looking so far ahead at a future I am not sure I believe in. Despite this, I can tell my thinking has shifted…did you notice the “I am not sure” in there? It used to be absent. I did not believe in recovery for myself. The way I see it, the eating disorder is an exhausting cycle that goes round and round- I can’t get off of it because it won’t stop. In the last few weeks, I have seen that this cycle can be paused. When it is paused, I can have a moment to breathe. When the cycle is paused, that opens up the possibility of me being able to step outside of it. And just maybe, that means the cycle can be stopped and I can begin to walk away from it.

Just like there is no part of my life the eating disorder hasn’t touched, there will be no part of my life recovery doesn’t touch. I call this “life in color”. When I say that, it means I won’t be drifting through my life as a shell of the person I could be. It means life for me becomes a lived experience, where I feel like an active participant, not just someone going through the motions to stay alive. There will be much more space in my mind because it is not occupied with eating disorder thoughts, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation.

Recovery, or life in color, means having a healthy relationship with exercise, especially yoga, which I spend several hours a week teaching. I will have space to create more with yoga, and brainpower to continue learning about what yoga is both on and off the mat. I will truly be living what I learn and teach.

I imagine a greater deal of financial freedom, when I don’t spend an painful amount of my personal income on outpatient treatment. I won’t be as stressed about money or feel as guilty about spending it, even on necessities. Recovery will allow me to have more time doing things I’ve discovered I love, and less time in appointments. I’ll be able to do EMDR and trauma therapy and not slip into my eating disorder. I would use my healthy coping skills successfully. Recovery means the hard work I am doing now paid off later.

I imagine life in color involves speaking my truth and living my truths without fear my story will hurt others by the way they choose to feel about it. It also looks like me not feeling like I have to protect my family from the real me.

I imagine recovery no longer means nights where I lay in bed at night begging God to let me die, because the suffering I am experiencing is so intense. Life in color allows me to watch my goddaughter grow up and be a guide for her, and a continued friend to her family. I imagine a life with my husband where he doesn’t have to worry so much about his wife, or see her sit on the floor crying, hopeless that recovery is attainable. Life in color means being able process trauma that keeps my relationship with Drew stunted at times, and trusting my body is a safe place to exist in.

I imagine life in color will allow me to have adventures with my family and friends, while being fully present. Traveling will be part of my life again. Traveling without the underlying anxiety the eating disorder brings will allow me to be present. I won’t be worrying about exercise or compensation for eating, and I’ll enjoy what different cultures and locations have to offer. Recovery looks like living as if I believe my body is a sacred, temporary vessel that allows me to engage in life. I won’t have to be constantly at war with my body.

Even though this exercise feel to me like being told to write about my dream job or what it would be like to win the lottery, I’m also discovering it can be broken down into smaller, more attainable pieces.
What does recovery look like when I am done with this residential level of care?
What does it look like as I transition to day program treatment?
What does life in color look like when I get home?
What can I start doing to create it? What does a life in color look like in 6 months? A year?
And so on.

I do know this: recovery means creating a life worth living. Life in color is living that life I have created.